How Perception Blinds Us To the Truth
Strangers act as mirrors in which we can see our own imperfect reflections.
No matter who you are or what you do for a living, first impressions are hard. We struggle to see strangers clearly for the first time, and we often get them wrong — sometimes very wrong. We make snap judgements and craft detailed narratives from the tiniest crumb of information.
I learned this the hard way when I mistakenly thought that David, a pleasant man who sat next to me at a conference in 2018, was a big shot who worked at the NRA. I had misheard. It turned out that my seatmate was the late David Stern, former commissioner of the NBA, which is quite different from the National Rifle Association.
This happens often because we have developed tactics to judge the people we are meeting for the first time. For instance, the thing I try to gauge most upon a first meeting is whether a person is curious. Do they ask questions? Do they seem eager to learn something from the conversation? Are they genuinely interested or are they more preoccupied with talking about themselves?
Others prefer to pay attention to the context of a situation, which helps inform their opinion about what type of person they're like in other areas of life. When I profiled venture capitalist Jeff Jordan, I found out that he deciphers a person’s personality through the way they play on the basketball court. Are they selfish? Are they hotheaded?
During the games, Jeff is both a player and the referee, and he doesn’t hesitate telling people they need to dial it back a notch. He’s dubbed it the “No Asshole Rule.”
So what happens when someone violates the rule?
“It’s pretty much the same as what I would tell a founder. I pull them aside and say, ‘My perception is that we’re having this issue. In the interest of trying to make the game work, it’d be great if you could try to monitor your behavior,'" he says. "You do it individually and off the beaten path because you don’t want to embarrass them in front of everybody. The game wouldn’t be what it is if we just let that type of behavior go. It’s 'the greater good' argument.”
My world view is shaped through a curiosity filter, while Jeff uses a lens meant to weed out assholes.
Here's what I've discovered about the filters we use to size other people up: We see others through the same lens we see ourselves. If I'm meeting Jeff for the first time, I might be focused on figuring out whether he's curious, interested, and present. He, on the other hand, is probably trying to assess whether I'm a selfish jerk or not. In other words, the way you judge yourself is probably the way you judge others.
And this is where all the misjudgments begin to occur.
Because of our preconceived beliefs and biases, we have likely turned away the right candidate for a job, the complementary business partner, or the person who would've turned out to be a wonderful spouse.
As Philip Roth wrote in American Pastoral:
"You get them wrong before you meet them, while you're anticipating meeting them; you get them wrong while you're with them; and then you go home to tell somebody else about the meeting and you get them all wrong again. Since the same generally goes for them with you, the whole thing is really a dazzling illusion empty of all perception, an astonishing farce of misperception."
I've become hyper-aware about the things I notice first in people — the traits that annoy me and the traits I'm in awe of. I recently was at a dinner with someone who was incredibly off-putting to me because he was closed-minded, fixed in his world views, and most importantly, didn't ask anyone else at the table a single question. Did I think this because he was objectively repulsive or did I think this because I subconsciously recognized that I myself am sometimes not as open-minded or interested in other people's lives as I would like?
Carl Jung once said: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” For example, if you don't measure yourself through physical attractiveness, you probably won't get irritated — or even notice — that my hair is out of place during our conversation. But if you're preoccupied with beauty within your own self, I become a prime target for your judgmental thoughts.
This tweet by Nait Jones encapsulates it perfectly:
Strangers act as mirrors in which we can see our own imperfect reflections.
When you're triggered by another person in a visceral way, ask yourself: What is it about them that irritates me? Could it be something I dislike in myself? And are there other ways I could better gauge their personal values than this singular lens through which I have chosen to see the world?
Great thoughts and reminder. Imagine you’ll like this if you haven’t already seen it:
https://youtu.be/mW-dx2w_ARY