How to Become More Likable Using 9 Techniques From the World’s Most Charismatic People
Learn how to command attention by becoming the most charismatic person in the room.
When a revered entrepreneur falls from grace, we collectively gasp and ask ourselves: “How could this possibly happen?”
Logically, the answer is typically pretty straightforward: they were bleeding cash, the company’s financials didn’t make sense, or you know, they were running a complete fraud. But to get to that point, the founders had to convince a whole bunch of people to fund their vision and pay thousands of dollars to attend a music festival that never took place.
And that part has absolutely nothing to do with logic. It has to do with charisma. And charisma is the ultimate double-edged sword. Just look at how society describes the following: Theranos’ Elizabeth Holmes was “a striking female entrepreneur with a heartfelt personal story.” Fyre Festival’s Billy McFarland was “a charming, seemingly trustworthy salesman.” WeWork’s Adam Neumann had “an inexplicably persuasive charisma and a taste for risk.”
In a longform Neumann profile, one part that stuck with me. Harrison Weber, a former WeWork editorial director, remembers how Neumann would talk about creating the first “physical social network,” referring to a place where members could talk about jobs, family, love. “It was like, wait, you mean life. What you’re talking about is just regular life,” Weber said.
It reminded me of the time a founder sent me the following pitch: “It’s like a jacket, but for your legs.” And I thought, “Oh my god, he’s talking about pants.” They may speak in clichés, but if they’re charismatic, the clichés sound revolutionary.
In this fascinating 1996 Fortune feature, writer Pattie Sellers delves into the mysterious, elusive “X factor” all leaders chase but only some possess. “Charisma is a tricky thing. Jack Kennedy oozed it—but so did Hitler and Charles Manson,” she writes. “Con artists, charlatans, and megalomaniacs can make it their instrument as effectively as the best CEOs, entertainers, and presidents. Used wisely, it’s a blessing. Indulged, it can be a curse.”
I’m interested in the times where charisma is used wisely.
Below, I break down some very specific techniques that will help you dial up the charisma and use it for good in your everyday life.
(Editorial note: I am aware that many of the charismatic people include dictators, con artists, and cult leaders who were able to convince millions of people to join their cause. They may have used many of the techniques highlighted below, but those people will not be featured in this article.)
1. They set the energy when they walk into a room
How do you enter a room? Are you nervous and frenetic or are you calm and confident? Do you pay attention only to the person you’re trying to impress or do you take the time to greet everyone around?
The way you enter a room can set the tone for a first impression whether you’re on a date, a job interview, or a business meeting.
Actor Matthew McConaughey knows this well. He is deeply magnetic in part because he takes the time to give somewhat individualized attention to everyone in the vicinity by making eye contact and greeting them.
Take a look at what he does when he goes on Stephen Colbert’s show. Rather than simply walk up to his chair and sit down, he hugs Stephen, he turns to greet the band, and then he faces the audience and takes several seconds to look around and make eye contact with the attendees.
Why is this important? Think about the last time you went to an event where you only knew the host. You probably entered the venue, beelined for the host, and avoided eye contact with the other attendees. This screams, ‘I’m uncomfortable.’
What McConaughey does so well is that he exudes confidence by moving slowly, taking up space, and making other people feel at ease by greeting them with intention.
Similarly, check out Jamie Foxx walking on Jimmy Kimmel’s set. The entrance itself is a performance but he comes in high-energy, greets the people, the band, and Jimmy before he ever takes his seat.
Charisma begins with your mindset and your energy. It will be the first thing people sense, so it’s worth taking an extra minute to make sure you’re showing up as your aspirational self.
2. They say people’s names — a lot
In 2020, I wrote a Profile Dossier on Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, and I called him “The Most Likable Person in the World.”
And then, as if to prove that he is genuinely that likable, he responded to my tweet, shared (and re-shared) the article, and followed me on Twitter. Naturally, this made me like him even more.
So what is it about people like ‘The Rock’ that make them so magnetic to the rest of us?
For one, he uses people’s names a lot. He knows that people love to hear their own name — especially if it's used by someone like him.
Here’s an example of ‘The Rock’ using my name to wish me a Merry Christmas and congratulate me on publishing my book:
Another time, I shared a video of seeing my book at Barnes & Noble for the first time, and he said, “Congrats P! Very cool experience.”
Now, remember, I’ve never met Johnson in real life. Yet he gave me a nickname — ”P” — which you often do for close friends.
The magic of saying someone’s name is that it immediately puts you on their side. Even if they aren’t quite listening, they turn to you every time they hear their name. It elicits feelings of affection, closeness, and respect.
As Dale Carnegie once said, "Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language."
3. They remember the ‘small talk’ details
When you first meet someone, they make small comments like, “We celebrated my birthday yesterday,” or “My son is applying to colleges right now,” or “My zodiac sign is Virgo.”
This mundane commentary is considered small talk, but the most likable people remember this information and bring it up the next time they have an interaction with the same person.
I learned this very important lesson from Pattie Sellers. She’s interviewed some of the most powerful people in the world, including Melinda Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffett, Ted Turner, and many others. She could recall so many details of their lives at the drop of a hat.
I always wondered how.
We were having dinner one night when she opened a person’s contact profile in her iPhone, and in the “Notes” section, it said, “They just had their first grandchild — baby girl born on X date,” and “She and her husband celebrated their 30-year-wedding anniversary in August.”
Since then, I’ve been using the “Notes” section of my contact list the same way.
The most charismatic people go a step further. They remember those details, and then they do something with that information.
General Electric CEO Jack Welch was largely considered to be one of the best CEOs in the history of business. He led GE through two decades of extraordinary corporate prosperity.
As you can imagine, he was a busy man, but that didn’t stop him from developing personal relationships with his employees, his investors, and his colleagues.
After nearly every encounter he had with someone, he sent them a handwritten, personal note. According to this 2001 mini-documentary on his life, he had sent thousands of personal notes during his tenure as CEO.
“If I could create a personal relationship with every person in that company, it’s what counts,” he says. “It’s what makes companies work. I’m a cheerleader — that’s what I am.”
If you like this learning guide, you may enjoy this one on interviewing, too:
4. They commit random acts of kindness
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson often says, “It’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice.” He lives this personal philosophy by committing random acts of kindness.
He bought a car for his old friend. He surprised a 13-year-old fan with a personalized video. He gifted a homeless UFC fighter a house.
He also regularly surprises tourists when he’s driving in his car. Here’s an example:
Johnson has said that there are no drawbacks to fame. “I have been a lucky son of a bitch to have been famous for a long time, and I realize that there are no drawbacks to fame because I remember how shit once was,” he says. “Over time and experience, I’ve realized that the greatest benefit to fame is impacting people’s lives in a positive way.”
Another person who uses his fame and resources for good is Keanu Reeves. Reeves may be the most universally liked actor in all of Hollywood.
Reeves handed over a percentage of his profits from "The Matrix" sequels to the franchise's special-effects and costume-design team because he felt "they were the ones who made the movie and that they should participate."
Another time, he shaved his salary by a few million dollars so producers of The Devil's Advocate could afford Al Pacino. He did the same thing on The Replacements to be able to work with Gene Hackman.
When Reeves was filming ‘John Wick 3’ in New York City, it would take him 30 minutes to cover a 3-minute walk from his apartment to the gym because he couldn't say no to fans asking him for a photo. He'd even let fans walk with him, share their ideas, and talk about movies.
Another time, he stopped to buy an ice cream cone just so he could autograph the receipt for a young fan. Reeves understands that a few minutes of his time could make a stranger's entire life.
And of course, here’s that infamous video of him giving his seat up to a woman with a large bag on the subway:
Superstar artist Taylor Swift finds her biggest and most loyal fans and makes them feel like they're the most important person in the room.
In the lead up to her albums 1989 and Reputation, she created a series of events called "Secret Sessions" where she personally scoured the internet for her most loyal fans and invited them to a listening session in her own home. She made them cookies, played her newest songs before their release, and took photos with each of them.
Another time, she chose a number of fans, learned a little about them from their social media and sent them personalized presents. She even surprises her fans at their own weddings.
Here she is about to get into her car when she sees a young fan and rushes over to give her a hug:
There's always time to commit an act of kindness.
5. They know how to tell a compelling story
Joe Rogan put it best: Actor Matthew McConaughey has "whiskey philosopher wisdom."
It's the type of wisdom you hear at a bar in Texas at 2 a.m. from a guy like McConaughey who recounts his wild life stories that all somehow have an underlying life lesson.
"I grew up in a family of storytellers," he says. "I love lyrics. I love bumper stickers. I love slogans. I love to deconstruct a big conversation down to a one-liner."
McConaughey can sometimes sound like he's showering us with platitudes, but because he's such a captivating storyteller, those platitudes sound profound. For example, instead of simply saying, "Do the right thing today so you don't suffer in the future," he says:
"You didn’t pay that guy back the money that you owed him and tonight you just saw him three rows behind you. Shit. You slept around on your spouse and you just found out that tomorrow she and the lady you’re having an affair with are going to be at the same PTA meeting. Shit again. These are the crumbs. They come in the form of regret, guilt and remorse. You leave crumbs today, they will cause you more stress tomorrow. And they disallow you from creating a customized future in which you do not have to look over your shoulder."
But perhaps one of the best examples of how mesmerizing McConaughey is at telling a story that makes you jump out of your chair and get motivated to accomplish your goals, it's this Oscars acceptance speech from 2014:
When he speaks, people listen. He does a few things: He speaks slowly, looks around the room, and pauses for effect. This makes him appear effortlessly confident and intentional about the message he wants to deliver.
Another example of charisma in action is this clip of Nicole Kidman telling the story of meeting Jimmy Fallon for the first time. Notice how she tells her side of the story by adding tiny moments of suspense.
Rather than simply saying that she agreed to go meet Jimmy Fallon, she inserts an aside, “And I’m single, and I’m like, ‘OK, yeah, cool!” She expertly sets this up to make it seem as though Jimmy Fallon missed an opportunity to woo her.
She then dramatizes how he was wearing sweats in his bare apartment, refusing to talk to her. Notice how she exaggerates it in the moment. She starts saying, “And you didn’t talk mu—at all!” By using an absolute like “at all,” she magnifies the awkwardness, which makes it more powerful for the listener.
It’s a masterclass in storytelling:
This exchange between Nicole Kidman and Jimmy Fallon is a beautiful example of how a seemingly mundane encounter can transform into an enthralling story once you lace it with context, detail, and intent.
As Ira Glass once said, “Great stories happen to those who can tell them.”
6. They romanticize risk
In her FORTUNE feature, Sellers writes: “Charismatic people speak emotionally about putting themselves on the line. They work on hearts as well as on minds.” In other words, they romanticize risk.
Take a look at this video of Muhammad Ali talking about why taking a risk is the most noble thing you can do. He equates taking risks with achieving extraordinary feats:
Sara Blakely, the self-made billionaire founder of Spanx, is a master storyteller. Take a look at the video below to see how she expertly injects emotion into the founding story of her business. Rather than framing risk as something dangerous, she portrays it as the hero’s journey.
“It’s a risk to invent something. You have to risk being made fun of. You have to risk looking like an idiot. You have to do something that didn’t already exist, which is scary,” she says. “I mean, my brain told me a million times, ‘Who do you think you are coming up with this?’ And one day, you wake up and go, ‘Well what if it is me?’”
Charismatic leaders see themselves as the underdog. They are determined to bend reality to their will in a way that portrays them as the main character in their story.
When you’re in the presence of someone who romanticizes risk, it feels intoxicating.
7. They anticipate the joke — and tell it better
Dolly Parton is many things — a singer, songwriter, movie star, philanthropist, and business powerhouse. But most of all, Dolly Parton is herself.
Through her flashy and flamboyant style, the iconic country singer has captured the hearts of fans all across the globe. She is liked across cultures, generations, and even political affiliations. (Nielsen ranked her the No. 1 most marketable country artist in the world in 2017.)
Parton is a master at beating the bullies at their own game. When most people get poked fun at, they get offended or counter-punch with an aggressive statement.
Parton manages to create a boundary while making you like her even more.
Here’s how: Anyone can make fun of Parton, but they can’t shame her. Why? Because she will not let them.
“I know what they’re thinkin’,” she says. “So I’d rather say it before they do, so we get that off our chest.”
Want to make a dumb blonde joke? She’d say, “I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.”
Want to say she looks fake? She'll hit you with, "I may look fake but I'm real where it counts."
Her lighthearted approach doesn't mean she doesn't take herself seriously — it just means she's able to outsmart the haters.
Here’s an example where Parton keeps her cool as Barbara Walters asks some pretty patronizing questions like, “Do you ever feel that you’re a joke — that people make fun of you?” She answers with, “Oh, I know they make fun of me. But actually all these years, people have thought the joke was on me but it was actually been on the public. I know exactly what I’m doing, and I can change it at anytime. I am sure of myself as a person.”
She also uses what’s become her iconic one-liner: “I'm very real where it counts, and that's inside."
Parton comes across very measured, dignified, and self-assured even though the interview was likely meant to demean her.
Here’s an example with a 2003 Oprah interview where she pokes fun of herself with every single answer as she answers questions about makeup, plastic surgery and breast implants:
By laughing at yourself first, you suck the oxygen out of the insult.
Remember this lesson from Parton: no one can make you feel shame unless you let them.
8. They avoid ‘one-upping’ in conversations
We all know a one-upper, and let’s just say, we probably don’t find them particularly charming.
A ‘one-upper’ is a person who tries to make themselves appear better than someone else by trying to outdo them. For instance, let’s say a friend tells you a story about how challenging it was to run a half-marathon and how proud they are of their pace. A ‘one-upper’ would respond by saying they ran a full marathon and their pace was a whole minute faster. It’s incredibly off-putting.
Here’s a hilarious example of what this looks like, brought to you by Saturday Night Live:
If you observe carefully, you’ll see this often happening in group situations where one person is trying to be the Alpha. They often piggy-back on other people’s statements with self-praising comments.
People who steal the attention can easily make normal conversation turn wildly inappropriate.
Take a look at this clip in which The View’s Joy Behar takes the spotlight away from a discussion on the Russia-Ukraine war back to herself in a really bizarre, off-putting way:
A genuinely likable person would listen to the story, ask questions, and avoid sharing an (often unrelated) story of comparison that brings the attention back to them.
This is something that many of us do in our close relationships. For example: When your spouse tells you they’ve had a stressful day, you try to one-up their day by launching into a monologue about how much more stressful your day was.
Next time, try keeping the spotlight on your partner before interjecting with your own grievances.
9. They are comfortable being their awkward, imperfect self
Charismatic people are relatable, socially aware, and unafraid to poke fun at themselves. When they share stories, we can tell that they’re comfortable being themselves — even if they’re awkward and a little insecure. And that makes them really damn likable.
I want to use the example of power couple Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively to illustrate this point. They are a duo that drips with charisma. No matter the scenario, they stay true to themselves, and that’s precisely their charm.
Here’s a 7-minute video of notorious jokester Ryan Reynolds making witty remarks in all sorts of situations. I dare you to get through it without cracking a smile.
Now, check out this clip of Blake Lively talking about how she couldn’t stop being awkward when she met President Barack Obama. Take note of her body language, how she’s using hand gestures to set the scene, and most importantly, how she jokes about herself.
If you read the comments under the video, it’s various versions of, “Her awkwardness is surprisingly charming.”
Her awkwardness is actually what makes her relatable. Another person commented: “Why is she so relatable? Not that I've met a president, but awkward situations happen to me way too often.”
And that’s precisely it. Lively is not trying to be anyone else but herself, and as humans, we find this endearing because we can see our imperfections reflected in her.
The most charismatic people on the planet exude confidence and an effortlessness that’s hard to put into words. We’re drawn to them because we feel as though we could be friends.
The most charismatic people in the world are comfortable in their own skin — even if they may stumble or be a little awkward. But no matter the situation, they exude personality and authenticity.
It’s that simple and that complicated.
In trying to better himself Benjamin Franklin, created a list of what he called Virtues. To make them stick he picked one each week and tried to live by it, making a mark in his calendar as to whether he was successful.
When I see a great list like this I feel this weekly incorporation is the way. This week I will attempt to set the energy in each room I enter. I'm kind of excited for next week when I'll say people's names more. At least that's what I'm thinking now. If all goes well, perhaps I'll be able to report on the experience in August. Thanks Polina!
Another great technique article!!! I have thoroughly enjoyed reading these articles that do deep dives into a variety of techniques and truly convey that there is something to learn from everyone and everything💯💯. Thank you Polina for an insightful and useful read!